Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The Butt-Suck
I feel bad for women...
I mean, we live in America, (those of us who live in America) where most of us are overwieght. I personally am consuming about twice the calories I did ten years ago. And I'm about 25-30 pounds heavier because of it.
The population, as a whole, bigger than it was a few years ago, and that means there is more fatties out and about in the world.
But anyway, that is beside the point. I want to write about fat men vs fat women.
If a fat man sees a pretty lady and wants to inmprove the way he looks, he sucks in his gut. It makes an improvement in his overall appearance, and drastically decreases the "hangover" of the belly over the top of the pants.
This gut-sucking reaction is almost instinctive, like a cat arching it's back when it's cornered to appear bigger and more threatening. It reminds me of the part in Tommy Boy when Chris Farley sucks in his gut and asks the lady where the weight room is.
Unfortunately, a woman can't suck in her big butt to make it look smaller. That's where the disparity is. A woman can't immediately alter her appearance to be more attractive like a guy can. They also can't suck in their butt to fit into a smaller pair of jeans, or to fin into an airplane seat.
I think that's why girls have a harder time with the current overweight epidemic that is befalling the country. Women actually have to work hard on losing weight since they can't make a simple adjustment by holding their breath.
They suffer from sucking envy.
I mean, we live in America, (those of us who live in America) where most of us are overwieght. I personally am consuming about twice the calories I did ten years ago. And I'm about 25-30 pounds heavier because of it.
The population, as a whole, bigger than it was a few years ago, and that means there is more fatties out and about in the world.
But anyway, that is beside the point. I want to write about fat men vs fat women.
If a fat man sees a pretty lady and wants to inmprove the way he looks, he sucks in his gut. It makes an improvement in his overall appearance, and drastically decreases the "hangover" of the belly over the top of the pants.
This gut-sucking reaction is almost instinctive, like a cat arching it's back when it's cornered to appear bigger and more threatening. It reminds me of the part in Tommy Boy when Chris Farley sucks in his gut and asks the lady where the weight room is.
Unfortunately, a woman can't suck in her big butt to make it look smaller. That's where the disparity is. A woman can't immediately alter her appearance to be more attractive like a guy can. They also can't suck in their butt to fit into a smaller pair of jeans, or to fin into an airplane seat.
I think that's why girls have a harder time with the current overweight epidemic that is befalling the country. Women actually have to work hard on losing weight since they can't make a simple adjustment by holding their breath.
They suffer from sucking envy.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Quizno's Prime Rib Sandwich; Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Flubbery!
Have you ever wondered what kind of meat would NOT be good on bread? Every meat I can think of would be great wedged between a couple of slices of white bread; ground beef, beef patties, roast beef, steak, london broil, ham, turkey, bacon, pork, chicken, maybe with some cheese and lettuce and mustard.... mmmmmm.
Well, I now know for certain that there is one kind of meat that should never be sliced up and made into a sandwich. That meat is PRIME RIB.
Prime Rib is a beautiful cut of cow. I like looking at it, all pink and dripping with it's own juices. I like it with potatoes, either baked or mashed. I like looking at pictures of it. I like to cut a big chunk of it, dip it in some au jus and then let it melt in my mouth while my stomach aches at the anticipation of it's arrival. Therefore, I thought it would make a good sandwich, and so did the sandwich-thinker-guys at Quiznos.
So they decided to tempt the nation by creating a toasted Prime Rib Sandwich. Prime rib is good. Toasted sandwiches are good. It's a winning combination, right?
Well, that's what I thought while I was looking at the picture of the Prime Rib Sandwich while standing in line at Quiznos. It looked so good... stacked with a two inches of sliced prime rib, with peppercorn edging and melted cheese. I decided to take the plunge and fork out $7.29 for a regular sized Prime Rib Sandwich.
After one bite of the sandwich I was wishing I had my $7.29 back. The nature of Prime Rib (soft, tender, juicy) made it seem like I was taking a bite out of a ball of room-temperature bacon fat. Usually lunchmeat has a texture to it, and you can chew it, and you know your chewing on the flesh of a once-happy-to-be-alive animal. Instead, the prime rib was squishy, flavorless (even with the peppercorn edging) and gave me the feeling that I just opened a bag of lipo-suctioned belly fat from Al Roker and shoved a handful of it into my mouth.
At first I thought "okay, this is bound to get better, the more I eat, the more I can trick my mouth to tell my brain that I'm eating some yummy prime rib!" but it didn't turn out that way at all. Even the lettuce and tomato and bread seemed to have given in to the squish-and-bland fest that the prime rib had started.
I had to leave the sandwich only 75% finished. While I threw the rest of the sandwich in the garbage can, I heard the echo of my mother's voice saying "there are starving people in China who would love to eat that!". No there isn't, mom.
I have come to the conclusion that Prime Rib is a one-approach meat. It cannot be cut any thinner than 3/8" and it cannot be masticated with anything other than au jus or maybe horseradish or a steak sauce. It's not like ham, or turkey, or roast beef, which can take many different shapes and forms in order to make it to my tummy.
The next time I plan to spend $7.29 at Quiznos, I'll just double the meat of their traditional club and call it good... maybe add bacon to it as well.
Well, I now know for certain that there is one kind of meat that should never be sliced up and made into a sandwich. That meat is PRIME RIB.
Prime Rib is a beautiful cut of cow. I like looking at it, all pink and dripping with it's own juices. I like it with potatoes, either baked or mashed. I like looking at pictures of it. I like to cut a big chunk of it, dip it in some au jus and then let it melt in my mouth while my stomach aches at the anticipation of it's arrival. Therefore, I thought it would make a good sandwich, and so did the sandwich-thinker-guys at Quiznos.
So they decided to tempt the nation by creating a toasted Prime Rib Sandwich. Prime rib is good. Toasted sandwiches are good. It's a winning combination, right?
Well, that's what I thought while I was looking at the picture of the Prime Rib Sandwich while standing in line at Quiznos. It looked so good... stacked with a two inches of sliced prime rib, with peppercorn edging and melted cheese. I decided to take the plunge and fork out $7.29 for a regular sized Prime Rib Sandwich.
After one bite of the sandwich I was wishing I had my $7.29 back. The nature of Prime Rib (soft, tender, juicy) made it seem like I was taking a bite out of a ball of room-temperature bacon fat. Usually lunchmeat has a texture to it, and you can chew it, and you know your chewing on the flesh of a once-happy-to-be-alive animal. Instead, the prime rib was squishy, flavorless (even with the peppercorn edging) and gave me the feeling that I just opened a bag of lipo-suctioned belly fat from Al Roker and shoved a handful of it into my mouth.
At first I thought "okay, this is bound to get better, the more I eat, the more I can trick my mouth to tell my brain that I'm eating some yummy prime rib!" but it didn't turn out that way at all. Even the lettuce and tomato and bread seemed to have given in to the squish-and-bland fest that the prime rib had started.
I had to leave the sandwich only 75% finished. While I threw the rest of the sandwich in the garbage can, I heard the echo of my mother's voice saying "there are starving people in China who would love to eat that!". No there isn't, mom.
I have come to the conclusion that Prime Rib is a one-approach meat. It cannot be cut any thinner than 3/8" and it cannot be masticated with anything other than au jus or maybe horseradish or a steak sauce. It's not like ham, or turkey, or roast beef, which can take many different shapes and forms in order to make it to my tummy.
The next time I plan to spend $7.29 at Quiznos, I'll just double the meat of their traditional club and call it good... maybe add bacon to it as well.
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